British jokes

now you see i'm Irish so i have many british jokes but them i'm brish o who cares

Now the British have been trying to take Ireland for years but they could never get it and if they did they'd just have to let it go like any other land they've ever owned. i mean look at America, and India. They couldn't keep a country for 2 minutes. They went to war with America because they taxed TEA of all things what is with the British and TEA.

If tea was illegal the British would go insane. I mean all their meals involve at least one cup o tea. they couldn't have tea time that's for sure. and they'd be like "how can i eat a crumpet without tea!"

The British all got sick from cows. from there so called mad cow desease.but please who hangs around cows?and even if you did hang around cows if a cow was acting all crazy and such wouldn't common sence tell you that something was wrong with that cow.

"there's not one word you could say that would make me punch a hole in this here slate wall"
"England"
*smash* "ok maybe there's one word"

the british have no taste for ale.it could be comin out o their tap with their water but they wouldnt have a clue as to what it was.they could be takin a shower in it and all theyd say is"wow its odd tht the water is brown"


I came up with all these jokes myself so don't steal them and give me credit.so what if there not that good it's the thought that counts.

Blonde Jokes

Why can't a blonde dial 911? She can't find the eleven.

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. ''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried. ''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!'

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home.

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar? She heard the drinks were on the house.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'' The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown? Artificial intelligence.

What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart. While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room. He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what's with her wearing the two coats? She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, ''FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!''

A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock. The blonde replied, ''What for? Are you going to set it on fire!''

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!'' ''Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!'' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back here!''

There were a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They walked into a magic shop to see this magic mirror where you could only speak the truth to it or you would be sucked into it forever. The redhead went first and said "I think I'm going to be a scientist" she got sucked in. Then the brunette went and said "I think I"m going to be a politician" she got sucked in. Then the blonde went and said "I think..." she got sucked in.

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunnete who were running from the cops. So the stoped at a farm, the redhead hid in a tree, the brunnete hid behind a bush, and the blonde hid in a potato sack. When the cop came he went by the tree and the redhead said "meow meow" and the cop said "o it's only a cat". So then the cop went by the bush and the brunnete said "bark bark" and the cop goes "o it's only a dog". Then the cop goes by the potato sack and the blonde goes "potatoooo"

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunnete who were about to be exicuted by a firing squad, with guns. The redhead is about to be shot when she screams "Hurricane" and everybody runs away and she escapes. The next day the brunnete is about to be shot and she screams "Tornado" and everybody runs away and she escapes. The blonde is thinking "I get it"The next day when the blonde is about to be shot she screams "Fire"...

A blonde and a brunnete decide they are going to commit suicide and jump off a cliff. Who hits the bottom first? The brunnete because the blonde had to ask for directions.

Three blondes are eyewittnesses to a crime. A police officer takes them down-town to show them profile shots of the suspects to the crime they saw. When the first blonde looks at the picture she goes "wow this guy only has one eye" so the officer says "it's a profile shot you can only see one side of him" but she starts going "how can he see..." so the officer calls "NEXT!". The next blonde comes in and says "this guy only has one ear" so the officer goes "it's a profile shot you can only see one side" but she starts babbling like "i wonder how his hearing is..." the officer screams "NEXT!". The next blonde comes in and says "he's wearing contact lenses" and the officer says "how could you tell? no one else could see that" and she goes "he only has one eye and one ear he can't be wearing glasses"

Two blondes were shopping. They just happend to have a very nice leather interior convertible. So when the were done shopping they came out and realized they had left the keys in the convertible. So one of the blondes decides to pick open the lock with a coat hanger from one of the jackets she bought. While she is picking the lock the other blonde looks at the sky and says "hurry up it's going to rain and we left the top down"

i have many more blonde jokes so i will post them later